In the Shallows

I go to counselling for my anxiety disorder, and when they say “find a happy place” or “imagine a time where you were at peace”, my mind always drifts away to the exact same point in my life, and to be perfectly honest it wasn’t even that long ago, a little over four weeks into my past but it seems like forever. At the minute, I feel like my life has been like a snow globe, tipped upside down over and over and I’m just sat praying that the glitter will stop its swirling and twirling around me and settle into the places where it belongs.

We lay next to each other, the sun was blaring down upon our skin and I’d lost my sunglasses, so I held a hand to my face to shelter my eyes. The water barely covered our hands as I felt your fingers interlock with mine, we lay in the shallow end of an enormous pool that was filled with hundred people, but it felt peaceful. Between us, we’d been through a lot, you more than me of course but we fought with the demons that floated around in our heads silently, I think, as we lay there. In the weeks to come, we had some pretty bad times. We argued, we fell out, we made up, and then eventually we broke up. But at that moment, as we lay there, the water lapping around us holding hands in the shallow end of the pool, I felt so full of love and gratification for you that I thought I’d burst.

Love isn’t always black and white, you can love someone with all of your heart and still the timing can be way off. People might not understand, some of them might not even try to, but inside of you.. You know what is best for you. You know your loved ones inside out, their quirks, their dreams, the things they think about just before they fall asleep. Do not let anyone else tell you how you should feel, or how you should act. They may be drawing from their own experiences, which is important as empathy and compassion are normal parts of our humanity, but every situation is different.. only you know what is best for you.

My best friend once said to me, that the most loving thing you can do for someone is let them go, and if and when they’re ready, they’ll find their way back to your if it’s meant to be. Trust in the universe, and concentrate on your happiness.